“It is not only what we do, but also what we do not do, for which we are accountable.”    ~ Moliere

My life has felt a lot like a kaleidoscope lately. And if you had asked me five years ago if I would’ve enjoyed that, I would’ve screamed into the abyss dramatically, “Hell no!”

But now, with the possible help of my fully developed frontal cortex or the fact that my experiences have gained me more wisdom, I see it differently. I used to think that I knew so much and that I knew better, and now I feel like I know nothing at all. It seems backward, but stick with me.

Much like the kaleidoscope, as the colors shift, more of a picture emerges from the chaos until it doesn’t make sense at all again. What a vibrant, maddening display of the world.

It must sound crazy, but let me give you some background. I grew up in an environment that never really wanted me to ask questions. If I did ask questions, they had to be the right ones, the ones that gave me crumbs of knowledge but suppressed me enough to stay naive. My world was a dull collection of beige and grays. Beautiful colors, but lackluster compared to the true vibrancy of the world.

My pride was no help either. I walked around like I knew everything. I didn’t understand the impact of my actions and behavior, but I left an impression nonetheless. I was miserable, and everyone had to know it.

But then one day I woke up. I looked at my daughter and her tiny little nose scrunched in her sleep and felt a tingle of joy. I wanted and needed her to love life. To never have to be afraid of someone else’s conditions holding her back.

So I changed.

Like I so cringingly (but unashamedly, I might add) posted on my Facebook the other day: “In my self-accountability era. Which means taking ownership of the things I have done, the things I haven’t, and the things I will do.”

All the moments leading up to that morning of looking at my daughter and making the decision to choose happiness fell together in my head. I needed to start taking accountability for me. To stop blaming others, even if there was blame to give. I can’t change them, but I can change me, and I can hope that my daughter and now my son see me trying.

Now my life is like a kaleidoscope. Full of color, full of joy, full of learning. Not perfect, but always growing.

Much love,

Shay

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