“Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experiences that reveal the human spirit.” ~ E.E. Cummings

Note to my readers:

Thank you so much for reading this evolving series “The Rage Diaries,” where I explore topics of self-esteem and accountability, value of community, and how our rage is being used against us. This is an evolving topic that I ask my readers to be open to. Hold on to your values, but be willing to exist in a space where there could be, a second truth or, in the very least, a thought you never considered. Take a moment to turn inward as these words are not judgments, rather observations from a person whose mind wanders about the spaces people find hard to occupy. As always, I am open for respectful input and opinions.

Challenge yourself to live in the gray areas of life once in a while. 💘

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I have been going to counseling off and on for as long as I can remember. As a child, I had horrible anxiety. The kind that the movie “Inside Out 2” depicts, where Anxiety gets stuck at the controls… except at the time I didn’t have a Joy to sooth me.

I mean I used to have panic attacks in the middle of my school hallways. It was like this buildup of deep pressure in my chest just clawing to get out, torturing me in the process. Years I lived in that realm… a place where my anger and fear burrowed deep into my bones… and when I got pregnant those feelings only amplified.

I didn’t really get proper help for my anxiety until I was older, after my second kid. Something about seeing the smallness of my children stirred a piece of me that needed more. More than my misery. More than my rage. It was primal. A beast that craved peace but it required something more than I knew how to give.

…Myself…

Like everyone, I was shaped by the circumstances that I was born into… factors that are far beyond me but still molded the surfaces of my life, from how I thought, dressed, prayed… it was pressed into every corner of my life. Even the grooves of my brain were carved in its image. It was just who I thought I was supposed to be. Who I was told I should be… I bet you understand that feeling… unrealistic, arbitrary expectation.

The constant nagging voice inside asking “Does life really need to be this way?”

It ran through my bloodstream like hot lava. I felt anger where I was told and felt happiness only when there was suffering. I was sitting in a box full of opinions, like I needed to be there. At the time I really don’t think I knew better… or maybe I did and I was afraid. I used to think that love in any form meant domination. Respect grew from fear.

For a long time, I believed that this was all there was. An inability to move on. It was the truth to life but life doesn’t really like individual truths, does it?

Dolly Parton said it best, “The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.” If I wanted to see change in my life I had to start with me… because as much as I hated to admit it, I cannot control anyone else but me.

Over some time in therapy, I began to settle into my discomfort. Where I was once scared to sit with the sorrow of myself, I began to find peace in it. My pointed fingers that were always so quick to point elsewhere began to turn inward. Eventually, I found myself somewhere in there. It was like looking for Waldo in the chaotic mess of pictures that made you look anywhere else than where you needed to look.

As I healed, the dysfunction around me became apparent. But I was at peace with that because my joy was contingent on myself. As time passes, the more I am able to cultivate so much love and peace and it spreads far beyond me. It pours into my family and friends for no other reason than I am beginning to feel whole. Where there was anger there is now understanding. Peace.

Self-love has become a ritual in personal nourishment. From it I rise a better person for others.

Over the years my opinion on self accountability has changed. Where I once thought it was taking ownership of an action, it morphed into something else. Something more and the more I practice it in my day to day, the more I am able to speak to others without suspicion of ill intentions, assumptions become background noise, and my ambitions are fed.

Self accountability requires awareness and I am a better person for it.

I like to think of them as the two A’s of self: accountability and awareness.

Human beings are creatures of comfort and often like to overindulge. We slingshot between each end of the balance scale before nature requires equilibrium. The more I observe, I notice that we tend to reflect that same concept in all areas of our lives, especially internally. It’s uncomfortable. That is why healing requires the participant to be willing because when one decides to find balance and land in a space of growth and decrement, their world begins to shift. Not everyone healing goes in the same direction but the path doesn’t have to be the same if the person chooses to be aware of oneself… and some people will never be capable of doing that. And we have to be okay with that.

Self accountability changes the question from “who is at fault?” to “what can I control in this moment?” and the answer?

Is me…

I can only control me. Yup. I found it very annoying at first… almost daunting. You would be surprised at how hard it is to reflect upon yourself that way. When life requires you to exist in the gray area, requesting that you know who you are when things don’t always have an easy answer. Especially when you are uncomfortable. Growth is born in discomfort as much as kindness.

As we heal, we begin to realize that everyone meets themselves at different levels. Some people blossom, some wilt, most of us usually both but we are all at different phases and it’s hard to see until you begin to show yourself awareness with grace.

When I was in the rough hands of my depression I used to be so angry at the people who never showed up for me… forgetting that maybe they’re struggling too. I understood them. It didn’t excuse the people who actually cause harm but rather helped me see them for who they are.

People.

It seems heavy right now. But I believe the more that we begin to exercise self-love and accountability the more we will thrive, individually and together. But ultimately… that has to be your choice.

Remember: love and respect will never call on domination or fear. The ability to love yourself and others is a form of resistance.

So tell me… what does accountability look like for you?

With peace,

Shay

P.S. something I have been practicing lately is pausing before anger: asking myself, is this about me? Sometimes asking for clarification is the best medicine…and sometimes it’s respecting that you may never get it.

Thank you so much for reading. I hope you’ll stick around for future installments, where we’ll explore together the control of rage, healthy boundaries, community, and so much more.

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